so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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