Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
