i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
