Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
