Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
