Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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