I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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