PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
