Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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