Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
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See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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