My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
