Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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