One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
