Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
