Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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