I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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