Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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