you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
