You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
