It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
