Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
