I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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