Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My life is pants optional.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
