Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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