Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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