hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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