if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my phone needs a breathalizer
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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