found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
