we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
