shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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