she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
