the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
