Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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