Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
