Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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