My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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