Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
