just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
