I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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