I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
do nipples grow back?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
