Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
