Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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