Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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