i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
