Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
