once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
