Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
