well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
