What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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