We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
