so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
