Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
