also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
