You can't special order awesome
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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